Talking Collar
by Titania Took
Summary: What are the ensigns up to this time? More OCs than normal, but not too many in-jokes, so should be quite enjoyable for everyone. Humour.


**A/N: This being a birthday fic for nurse Macnab, it stars rather more OCs than normal, but there aren't too many in-jokes, so non-inmates of Helkats School for the Clinically Insane might like it too.**

**As well as the usual ensigns, today we have some new lieutenants, plus one that featured in NavSat, and Yeoman and Ensign Macnab, who are on board the Enterprise because Nurse Macnab was charged with babysitting them while their parents were on holiday for the summer. Look out for them in future fics.**

**Disclaimer: I own a Spock shrine and cardboard cutout, but that is about it.**

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><p><strong>Talking Collar<strong>

"Ensign Richards, I believe that is your fifth cup of coffee this morning." The Enterprise's resident grouchy doctor snatched up the triple-latte mocha with squirty cream, extra chocolate sprinkles, rainbow sprinkles, and a rather large helping of sherbet before the Ensign could protest.

"But Bones!"

"That's Dr. McCoy to you, Ensign. Now, why exactly were you on your fifth cup? The computer alerts me once anyone's past their fourth in a day, and I have to go check." Ensign Richards (the Elder) grabbed a mug of tea from the ensign next to her, took a large gulp, then looked up, suitably caffeinated.

"I was sleepy. I think I am suffering from an obscure non-contagious alien disease that I can't pronounce the name of."

"Well why didn't you come to sickbay? Caffeine is not the answer!"

"But it is! The caffeine is to get rid of the short-term symptoms, and rainbow sprinkles are known to cure it!"

Bones glared, and stabbed her with a hypospray.

"Ow! What was that for? And how do you always have the right hypo up your sleeve?"

"I don't. I'm a doctor, dammit, not a magician. That was just a chemical that stings a lot, and makes you more amenable to doing as you're told. Now you're going to come to sickbay with me, or do I have to stab you with the sedative I do keep up my sleeve?" Ensign Richards made a few token protests, but allowed herself to be dragged kicking and screaming out of the mess hall.

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><p>Dr. McCoy had left, to look for a hypospray, presumably. Ensign Richards glanced furtively around, then lifted up her collar and whispered: "Phase One Complete. Phase Two about to be implemented." She then opened the tricorder bag she had been wearing, and began sticking various contraptions to the underside of the biobed she was supposed to be sitting on. As the doctor re-entered the room, she stood up hastily, and cursed as she managed to hit her head on the edge of the bed.<p>

"Well," he said, "Now I've finally got you into sickbay we might as well give you your physical, as you're managed to avoid the last fifteen." The ensign began to panic.

"Mayday! Mayday!" she hissed into her collar, trying not to look too suspicious. This whole business would be so much easier if Starfleet uniforms had proper collars. "Code 'Doctor Hypospray is trying to give me a physical'! Request backup! Get me out of here!" With that, she made a run for it. She would have made it too, had Nurse Macnab not chosen that moment to announce, rather louder than usual:

"Christine! I thought I told you not to put pictures of Spock up in the operating rooms."

Kat stopped in her tracks, turned around, and sprinted back towards where she had just heard Spock's name. Nurse Chapel followed, a little confused. Kat was stabbed with a sedative. Nurse Chapel was not, but was employed to help strap the troublesome ensign to a biobed.

When she woke up, Kat looked around frantically for the pictures of Spock, and, upon not finding any, glared at the nurse who she had thought was her friend. "How could you betray me like this?"

"About that physical…"

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><p>"Talking collar, this is The Munchkin. Agent Spock-Girl has been compromised. Mission Abort, repeat, Mission Abort."<p>

"Talking collar, this is the Angry Raisin. We can't abort now! The mission is too important. And phases one and two have been completed – we only have phases three, pi, i, four, six, seven a, seven b, and avogadro left!"

"But how do we complete phases three to four without Spock-Girl?"

"Talking collar, this is Spock-Girl Jr. I'll do it."

"Are you sure, Agent Spock-Girl Jr?"

"Aye. Commencing Phase e: Operation: Complete Phases Three to Four. Surfer-Hippie, I'll need backup."

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><p>Ensign Richards the Younger slipped out of a Jefferies tube near sickbay, accompanied by Ensign Demmar-Waters, the latter whistling the bass line of the Mission Impossible theme, while the former whistled the main tune. Yes, that was what she had meant by backup. With her hair unplaited, parted the other side, and wearing a pair of trousers under a short-sleeved Starfleet regulation 'dress' (they could be more accurately described as t-shirts), Ensign Richards was as ready as she could get.<p>

"Umm… Immy… won't they notice you have blonde hair instead of brown?"

"Nah. They never usually do."

"Oh good."

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><p>"Talking collar, Operation: Complete Phases Three to Four has been a success, except for Phase i, which I couldn't remember."<p>

"Do not worry, Agent Spock-Girl Jr. Phase i is to confuse anyone trying to discover our plans."

"Oh good. How's Phase 42 progressing?"

"All is under control. Spock-Girl, have you escaped?"

"Just, no thanks to you, Devil-but-Sexy, and I would hardly say unharmed."

"You sound fine. Meet in the galley to commence Phase Seven A at 1500 hours. Darcy-Girl, I trust the explosives are in hand?"

"Yup. Phase 13 is well underway."

"Good."

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><p>"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"<p>

Lieutenant Dallas glared at Lieutenant Tollemache, in charge of tactical for gamma shift, who liked firing guns at space, space-junk, and inhabited planets. The distinctly sooty face of Darcy-Girl looked back sheepishly, attempting puppy-dog eyes. Devil-but-Sexy rolled her eyes, and began to inspect the galley for signs of damage. Remarkably, it was intact, and fairly clean too; the same could not be said for the eyebrows of several ensigns, who were furious. Along with the usual crowd of Ensigns of Doom, there were gamma-shift Lieutenants Dallas, Tollemache, and Fieth (communications), and Ensign and Yeoman Macnab (though no Nurse). They looked around to see if anyone had noticed the large explosion (most people didn't these days, redshirts and ensigns caused so many), then stepped into the galley in a very ninja-like manner (silently in five cases; accompanied by yelling of 'stepping into galley no jutsu!' in the other four) and began implementing Phase Seven B.

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><p>"What was that for?" Kat yelped as Catriona (Yeoman Macnab) tipped an entire bottle of yellow food colouring into the cake mix, turning it the same colour as the yeowoman's shirt-dress-thing.<p>

"Yellow is a happy colour." Ah yes. That had been her excuse for turning all her clothes, her quarters, and one memorable time, the entire ship, completely yellow.

"Yellow may be a happy colour, but this cake was supposed to be blue!

"Oopsies. Maybe it can have blue icing. But blue isn't as happy a colour…" Kat groaned, and continued stirring. It was hard work, making a cake that would feed 430. At least the ship's galley had a constitution-class oven that could fit 430 cupcakes at once, and therefore (they hoped) this cake.

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><p>"Phase Seven B is complete, if a little burnt!"<p>

There was a loud chorus of 'Yay!'s, and a few 'zzz's (it was now approximately 2256 hours).

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><p>"Munchkin to Agent Spock-Girl. Munchkin to Agent Spock-Girl! Do you read me?"<p>

"Wuh… what time is it?"

"0900 hours. You're going to be late for your shift if you don't get up, but more importantly we have Phase Avogadro in T -30 minutes."

"Ok, ok, I'm getting up. You do know I'm just across the room from you and not wearing my talking collar yet, Molly?"

"Um… maybe…"

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><p>30 minutes later, Team Beansprout were standing in sickbay, with a mysterious case of a different obscure non-contagious alien disease none of them could pronounce the name of, waiting for the signal.<p>

10 minutes after that, they were still waiting for the signal.

10 minutes after that, they were still waiting for the signal, and getting some funny looks from the nurses.

10 minutes after that, Lieutenant Dallas gave up waiting, yelled 'Moyashi!', and pressed a large red button. A giant cake rose from the floor, cooing in F# minor. "Who tuned the tribbles?" she asked. Kat raised her hand sheepishly. Everyone else groaned. "Ah well. We'll just have to sing in Eb minor then." The more pitch-perfect of the group looked at her in slight confusion. "G. Whatever."

Nurse Macnab appeared to see what all this fuss was about, and Team Beansprout burst into song, with the odd yelp as various members were stabbed with hypos to cure another non-contagious alien disease no one could pronounce the name of.

"Happy Birthday Elinor!" they finally announced at the now utterly bemused nurse.

"Umm… thanks. But you do know it's not my birthday for another six months, right?"

A large proportion of Team Beansprout burst into tears.

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><p><em>Six months later…<em>

"Um… guys. I've just realised something…"

"What?"

"We didn't actually need that complicated plan to get into sickbay."

"How come?" Ensign Richards the Elder was particularly interested. She would be very angry if all those hyposprays she had had to endure had been for nothing.

"I work there."

"You couldn't have thought of that six months ago?" Ensign Richards the Elder was very, very angry.

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><p><strong>:)<strong>


End file.
